User Guide

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I’ve got to correct the terrible
injustice inflicted on fixers
by your recent article “Fixing
the Fixers” [Volume 12, Number
7, May 2011 — Ed.] Really,
gentlemen, it would be terrible if
anyone in the merc business
swallowed that garbage, and not
just for hard-working job brokers
like me. Sure, lots of squadron
leaders in Istanbul would like to
believe they could get along
without fixers finding them work,
but you’re not doing them any
favors by encouraging this unrealistic
thinking. Fact is, what small fee per-
centage they might save by “cutting out
the superfluous middleman” would be
offset by the trouble, even danger, of
seeking out their own jobs.
Fixers don’t just sit in seedy bars,
chasing muffins with tequila shots and
getting fat. That’s just the nice part of the
job. When we’re not in the bars, we’re
nosing around the Old Quarter, pinching
our nostrils against the throngs of the
unwashed, stepping over bodies in filthy
alleys to take meetings, and bribing
contacts for news of work. I don’t have to
tell you that, moving through the Istanbul
underworld as we do, we frequently run
up against the business end of a shiv or
the barrel of a Smith & Wesson. Some-
times you’re just in the wrong place at the
wrong time, and the bullet whizzing
toward your head is “nothing personal.”
Other times, a competitor is on the same
job trail, and that same bullet comes with
bad intentions. Either way, you can wind
up just as dead.
So, do everyone a favor and stop trying
to sell that sick puppy. It ain’t gonna hunt.
— “Beto”
[P. Fisch, the originator of the article,
responds as follows: “Although in many
cases fixers make it easier for lazy
squadrons to find work, they are by no
means vital. The energetic entrepreneur
can get as much work as any fixer. I stand
by my article.” — Ed.]
You bastards got a lot of nerve. Last July
I laid out a hell of a lot of money to place
a “Work Wanted” ad in the back of your
dam [sic] magazine. Three months went
by, and I didn’t get no replies. This really
pisses me off. And I’m the wrong guy to
do that to. I spent the rent money on that
ad, hoping I’d recover the loss with the
business your rag would bring me, but
nothing came and I got throwd [sic] out
on the fraggin’ street. Lemme tell you,
squattin’ on the ’creet has done bad
things to my temperment [sic]. I been
hustling up just enough money doing
migrant snuff jobs to keep my A-10 in
a hangar, and I got one final Paveway I
been saving for a rainy day. All I got to
say is, you refund my money, cause I
really need it, or else I’m gonna slam
that Paveway right into your ****ing
editorial offices.
— “Dissed”
[I’d like to remind all potential advertisers
that in no way does SUDDEN DEATH
guarantee that any advertisements placed
within our pages will achieve the desired
result. Furthermore, “Dissed” would do
well to keep his Paveway to himself. The
editors of SUDDEN DEATH employ their
own mercenary squadron, the G-Men, to
protect the home office. And they fly F-18
Hornets. In light of this fact, the chances
for an A-10 surviving an approach toward
our airspace would be… slight. Ed.]
Given that many mercenaries are,
through no fault of their own, generally
ignorant of international tax law, I just
wanted to warn your readership about the
screwing they can expect if they operate
within United States territory.
Every squadron flying out of Turkey
expects to pay the so-called “umbrella
tax” in exchange for the TDF [Turkish
Diplomatic Forces — Ed.] designation. It is
this designation that permits us to fly
offensive missions against targets in
foreign countries with immunity (at least
on an official level), and a percentage of
our income for that protection seems
4
July 2011 • SUDDEN DEATH
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