User Guide

44
July 2011 • SUDDEN DEATH
HAWAII BIDS THE U.S.ALOHA!
And that may just mean your ship has come in! Hawaii seeks
experienced freelance fighter pilots to defend against U.S.
imperialistic retaliation. All-expense paid vacations to this island
paradise are included in the payment package. Call your local
HAWAII BIDS THE U.S.ALOHA!
And that may just mean your ship has come in! Hawaii seeks
experienced freelance fighter pilots to defend against U.S.
imperialistic retaliation. All-expense paid vacations to this island
paradise are included in the payment package. Call your local
Conquering The High Cost of Surviving
We at Conquer have been leaders in combat coverage for over a decade. To stay
at the head of the pack isn’t easy — but nothing worthwhile ever is. So while
other companies rest on their laurels, we look for new ways to meet your
insurance needs. Talk to your Conquer agent today about our new ELC
Forfeiture Insurance Package. In the event of catastrophe, Conquer Insurance
will cover up to 80% of your employer’s default obligation.
Conquer Insurance — because we care.
INSURANCE
Wealthy programmer seeking female assassin to help
dispose of ex-girlfriend. Must enjoy mixing business
with pleasure. No Jennifers, please. Ask for Mighty
Dog at Selim’s.
LIKE MUFFINS? Aging Mexican fixer seeks financial
backing for BETO’S ISTANBUL HOUSE OF
MUFFINS. High bran content, blueberries optional.
Also thinking about little footprint-shaped pancakes.
Page BETO at Selim’s. Most evenings.
TEST PILOT FOR HIRE: Do you believe that we
shouldn’t have stopped at Mach 5? Can we do
better? If you’ve got the plane, I’ve got the nerve.
Phone 555-FAST. Call days. Leave a message.
MELTDOWN.
Nervous fixer seeks therapist. Have been under
considerable stress since the loss of my beloved fez.
And I feel like invisible people are watching me all
the time — Call 555-6342. Ask for Farhad.
RECITAR! Writer-turned-psychotic-assassin seeks
work, preferably involving cutlery, common table salt
and editors of any kind. Enjoys having work
tampered with, being pushed downstairs, getting
nasal passages filled with cement, and all other
excuses to violently revenge self. Also into Star Trek
reruns. Contact GULEMAN at Selim’s.
HELP! Desperately need to recover over 900MB of
lost data from network! Respond ASAP! Call
011.49.54.21895 *** Mr Zap ***
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